I was asked recently if I had any advice for someone about to be married. I gave the advice I wished someone had given me the first time around. In the couple of days since, I’ve had a few conversations about relationship advice they wished they had been given, and the following is, in no particular order, my list of the best advice for a happy relationship. Enjoy, learn what you can, take what you need and be happy.

The most common advice given to young couples is “Never go to bed angry.” In my mind, though this sounds like good advice, it’s kind of unrealistic. (Unless you’re planning on spending nights on the couch, everyone is going to go to bed angry at some time or another.) Instead, I’d say, never go to bed without saying “I love you.” You may not like them, but you love them and those are words that need to be said when you’re angry.  Not only does your husband, wife or S.O. need to hear it, you need to say it to remind yourself.

Learn to apologize and sound like you mean it, even if you don't. Ask yourself, what's more important, being right or peace and love. If it's being right, then by all means never apologize, but sometimes, peace and love means saying I'm sorry even if you're not 

Learn to forgive, not for them, but for you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Being unable to forgive causes wounds to fester, keeps you angry and makes love impossible. Don't carry a grudge and get the chip off of your shoulder. You're in this together, fucking act like it.

In an argument, when you’re the angriest, think of one reason that you’re with them in the first place. It won’t solve the issue at hand, but it will soften you a little. Sometimes that little is the difference between a disagreement and a fight.

Always buy two tubes of toothpaste. For some reason known only to the Gods, one of the laws of the universe states that middle squeezers always marry folders. It’s not worth the fight, and life is easier if you’re not driving each other crazy that way. Along the same vein, the world will not stop spinning if your spouse loads the toilet paper the “wrong way” on the roller. If it bothers you that much, take the 30 seconds to change it yourself. It’s not worth the fight, it never is. Bitching about it will only fester discontent, and every argument you will ever have will include this.

There are six words that must enter your vocabulary. “I was wrong” and “you were right.” Learn them. Know them. Make them part of your everyday world. There is no weakness in admitting that you were wrong and your spouse was right. Knowing those six words will heal wounds, mend hearts, and frequently get you laid.

Another part of your permanent vocabulary should be, “Okay. Yes, Dear.” It doesn’t matter your gender. Sometimes, even if you don’t like it, your spouse’s happiness needs to come first. Sometimes, even if you’re wrong, you need to give in. Unless you want your home to become a battlefield, these three little words are important. If you can’t say them, don’t say “I do.”

Your spouse’s happiness isn’t your responsibility. It’s understandable that you want him or her to be happy, but it’s not your job. You can’t make anyone else happy. You can help them be happy. You can do things with the possibility of making them happy. You can encourage them to do things that will make them happy, but you can’t make them happy. Working to make someone happy only makes everyone irritable.

Talk to them, respect their opinions, don’t interrupt and listen actively. If you’re listening to the first couple of words they say, and then begin formulating your response before their done speaking, you’re going to miss something. It’s going to be important. It could delay resolution and it will piss your spouse off. Communication isn't a contest. It’s not about who wins, it’s about resolving conflict and being close. If you ever, ever lose sight of that, the whole thing is lost.

If you have to choose between a clean house, or time with your spouse, the spouse should always win. Always. There should never be a debate about this. There should be no question about this. Never, ever choose vacuuming or dusting over your spouse. In the sage words of my first mother in law: “There was dirt in this world when I came into it. There will be dirt in this world when I left. If all I do is spend my time moving that dirt from one place to another, I will have wasted my life.”

Stick up for your spouse. Don't throw them under the bus. Praise in public and bitch in private. Don't bad mouth your spouse, they don't deserve it. Love isn't just an emotion, it's an action. Acting loving will go a long way in creating a good relationship. From the other side of the aisle, call your spouse on their shit. Don't do it in public, but don't be afraid to tell them if you think they're wrong. Do it in as loving and non-confrontational way as possible, but do it. 

When you marry somebody, you’re making promises. If you can’t keep the promise, don’t make the promise. If you know, going in, that you can’t promise fidelity, don’t make the promise and be honest about why you can’t promise it. Your spouse deserves the respect of being able to make the decision of whether or not to marry by knowing all the facts in advance. Be honest, don’t lie. Don’t betray the trust you’ve been given. It’s a gift, and if your spouse doesn’t deserve your honesty, then don’t marry them.

Now, here is the advice I actually gave. Half the credit for this goes to my husband Scott. It was with him that I came to this realization. He’s a wise and loving man, and I’m lucky to be married to him.

Always remember and never, ever forget, that you're taking marriage vows, not making a suicide pact. Neither of you have to go down with the sinking ship. This isn't the Thunderdome. You married by choice, and as long as you remember that you're in this by choice, you'll be fine.