I have had enough of this! It’s time for a rant. Prepare yourselves, boys. This is going to get ugly.

I’ve been thinking about the Steubenville rape case, and the responses to the guilty verdict. I’ve been thinking particularly about the responses from men to the rape itself, and the verdict that followed, and I want to ask one thing… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MEN THINKING?

All the shaming the victim bullshit is not only demeaning to women, but it demeans men even worse, and I’m wondering why the FUCK you guys are putting up with it? Why aren’t you all screaming from the rooftop that these assholes raped a woman, texted about it proudly, and deserve to have their lives totally ruined because of it? Why are you allowing people to blame the victim? All I can think is that you really have no idea what all of this is saying about men. Well, let me tell you what your silence is saying about you. Maybe that will change your mind.

First of all, it’s saying that men are all animals, and that when faced with the prospect of sticking your dick into something, you can’t control yourselves. It’s saying that men are just all rapists at heart, and that women are responsible for you NOT having the opportunity to rape them. A woman is drunk and available, so you just have to rape her cause, Gosh that opportunity can’t go to waste now can it? I mean, you certainly can’t be held responsible for taking advantage of a woman in the prone position. Women are nothing more than walking holes for you to stick your dicks into, right?

If she hadn’t wanted to be raped, she wouldn’t have been drunk. Of course, men can get drunk anytime they want to, and if someone shoves their dick up their ass, it’s the other person’s fault because they’re a pervert. It certainly can’t be because you’re a drunken asshole. Men never ask for rape, but women do it all the time. Right?

Wrong, fucktard. Just plain wrong. If it’s okay for you to get drunk and maintain your safety from rape, it’s okay for women to. Why? Women are not responsible for your reprehensible actions. You are. Women are not responsible for what you do. In the end, if you use your penis as a weapon, it’s not sex, it’s violence.

If you rape, and your life is “ruined,” you’re getting exactly what you deserve. If you go to jail, you earned it. If you don’t get that scholarship or are branded a sex offender for the rest of your life, you’re getting what’s coming to you. If your family is embarrassed, they should be. They failed to teach you right from wrong, and they allowed you to grow up thinking that you have the right to take whatever it is you want, regardless of the cost to others. If I had my way, you all would be sharing a fucking cell.

Let me make my position very clear. You and you alone, are in control of your every action, and if you act to harm someone else, you need to suffer the consequences of those actions. If you go to jail or get the shit beaten out of you by her relatives or he, you’ve reaped what you’ve sown, and I have no sympathy for you.

Women, you’re not getting off free here, either. I’ve seen some of you posting how she deserved it. It’s disgusting. Every two minutes, a woman is sexually assaulted. Every TWO minutes, there is a sexual assault. In the time that it’s taken to get this far into my rant, about 3 women have been sexually assaulted. 97% of rapists NEVER serve a single day in jail. Some statistics show that 2/3 of the female population will be the victim of some sort of sexual assault in their lifetime. That means that every morning when you wake up, you have a 66% chance of being sexually assaulted.

If you’re one of the despicable beings that’s out there saying that she “deserved” it, or worse “asked for it,” Congratulations. You are, officially, advocating for your own rape or sexual assault. You are giving cover to those that might rape you. You are saying that it’s okay for men to victimize women. I hope you’re very proud of yourself. You’re making it possible for 97% of rapists to go free and rape again. Good job, there. I hope it works out for you. I really do hope that one of those 97% don’t meet you today. Rest assured, though. If you do meet one of them, they’ll say that you deserved it, even though you really didn’t.

Rape is a horrible crime that has nothing to do with sex. It’s about power and control. It’s violence committed against women. Men get raped too, but it’s primarily a crime against women, and we all know it. Women cannot stop rape. It’s not women that are doing the raping. Men can stop rape by not becoming rapists, and my making it clear to other men that rape is unacceptable and will be punished.

During a series of rapes in Israel, it was once suggested that women have a curfew to “protect” them from being raped. Golda Meir said, “Men are committing the rapes. Let them be put under curfew.”  It’s not up to women to protect themselves from being raped. It’s up to men to stop raping women.

I haven’t written for a while. Part of it is that my daughter recently got married and trying to get ready for that kept me busy. The larger part is that I’ve been really angry. Events in the world and in the US have made me furious and I didn’t want to use this space simply to vent my anger.

So, now I’m back. Good for me? Yes. Good for you?? Who the hell knows? That’s for you to decide.

There is something that I want to talk about though, and it does have to do with anger. Not my anger, necessarily, but I have been guilty of it, and I know that the Pagan community is guilty of it as well. As a matter of fact, all adherents of all religions do it.

During the holiday season, which is made up of the Holy Days of lots of religion, there is a lot of religious back and forth. Christians make a lot of noise about how Jesus is the reason for the Season, and Pagans talking about how the Christian holidays are based on the older Pagan beliefs. When we do this, we are not only angering Christians to no avail, but we are unknowingly, invoking Jehovah into our own lives.

I know what’s coming. Really, I do. I know that many will disagree and argue vociferously about how Pagans are only trying to “instruct” and inform about the “history” of holidays. I’m not arguing about whether or not that’s true. It mostly likely is. I’m talking about the unexpected consequences of our speech. I’m talking about how what we talk about is what we manifest, to a large extent.

By talking, continually, even in the negative, about any deity, they are, obviously, an important part of your life. Anger is a passionate emotion. By addressing a Deity with that much passion and emotion, that Deity becomes a part of your life and that Deity takes it as an invitation to enter your life at will.

I hear this all the time. This or that God is “evil” or “wicked.” This or that scripture is flawed, faulty and inherently wrong. The myths are full of horrible contradictions or stories that promote some sort of horrid thing. All myths are that way. (Have you read the Song of the Volsungs? Seriously, there isn’t a single mentally healthy person in that book.)

What we are doing, by focusing on the Deity and the religion is letting the adherents of that belief system off the hook. It’s not the Deity or the religion that’s evil. It’s the people that follow and interpret the scriptures in ways that make it so easy to abuse and deny the rights of others. By focusing our attention on the Deity or religion, we are also making those things a part of our daily lives. We are inviting those things to live in our hearts and minds. We are inviting that Deity and it’s belief systems to take a large part in our lives.

So, how do we fight those who act upon beliefs whose tenets diametrically oppose our own? It’s not by attacking those beliefs. It’s by attacking the actions of those people that commit the acts. It’s not the fault of the belief; it is, entirely, the fault of the person. It’s not the Deity or beliefs that want to keep people that love each other from marrying, it’s the people using it as an excuse that causes the pain.

Stop fighting the belief, it’s a losing battle. Fight the people, they are causing the pain. 

I was asked recently if I had any advice for someone about to be married. I gave the advice I wished someone had given me the first time around. In the couple of days since, I’ve had a few conversations about relationship advice they wished they had been given, and the following is, in no particular order, my list of the best advice for a happy relationship. Enjoy, learn what you can, take what you need and be happy.

The most common advice given to young couples is “Never go to bed angry.” In my mind, though this sounds like good advice, it’s kind of unrealistic. (Unless you’re planning on spending nights on the couch, everyone is going to go to bed angry at some time or another.) Instead, I’d say, never go to bed without saying “I love you.” You may not like them, but you love them and those are words that need to be said when you’re angry.  Not only does your husband, wife or S.O. need to hear it, you need to say it to remind yourself.

Learn to apologize and sound like you mean it, even if you don't. Ask yourself, what's more important, being right or peace and love. If it's being right, then by all means never apologize, but sometimes, peace and love means saying I'm sorry even if you're not 

Learn to forgive, not for them, but for you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Being unable to forgive causes wounds to fester, keeps you angry and makes love impossible. Don't carry a grudge and get the chip off of your shoulder. You're in this together, fucking act like it.

In an argument, when you’re the angriest, think of one reason that you’re with them in the first place. It won’t solve the issue at hand, but it will soften you a little. Sometimes that little is the difference between a disagreement and a fight.

Always buy two tubes of toothpaste. For some reason known only to the Gods, one of the laws of the universe states that middle squeezers always marry folders. It’s not worth the fight, and life is easier if you’re not driving each other crazy that way. Along the same vein, the world will not stop spinning if your spouse loads the toilet paper the “wrong way” on the roller. If it bothers you that much, take the 30 seconds to change it yourself. It’s not worth the fight, it never is. Bitching about it will only fester discontent, and every argument you will ever have will include this.

There are six words that must enter your vocabulary. “I was wrong” and “you were right.” Learn them. Know them. Make them part of your everyday world. There is no weakness in admitting that you were wrong and your spouse was right. Knowing those six words will heal wounds, mend hearts, and frequently get you laid.

Another part of your permanent vocabulary should be, “Okay. Yes, Dear.” It doesn’t matter your gender. Sometimes, even if you don’t like it, your spouse’s happiness needs to come first. Sometimes, even if you’re wrong, you need to give in. Unless you want your home to become a battlefield, these three little words are important. If you can’t say them, don’t say “I do.”

Your spouse’s happiness isn’t your responsibility. It’s understandable that you want him or her to be happy, but it’s not your job. You can’t make anyone else happy. You can help them be happy. You can do things with the possibility of making them happy. You can encourage them to do things that will make them happy, but you can’t make them happy. Working to make someone happy only makes everyone irritable.

Talk to them, respect their opinions, don’t interrupt and listen actively. If you’re listening to the first couple of words they say, and then begin formulating your response before their done speaking, you’re going to miss something. It’s going to be important. It could delay resolution and it will piss your spouse off. Communication isn't a contest. It’s not about who wins, it’s about resolving conflict and being close. If you ever, ever lose sight of that, the whole thing is lost.

If you have to choose between a clean house, or time with your spouse, the spouse should always win. Always. There should never be a debate about this. There should be no question about this. Never, ever choose vacuuming or dusting over your spouse. In the sage words of my first mother in law: “There was dirt in this world when I came into it. There will be dirt in this world when I left. If all I do is spend my time moving that dirt from one place to another, I will have wasted my life.”

Stick up for your spouse. Don't throw them under the bus. Praise in public and bitch in private. Don't bad mouth your spouse, they don't deserve it. Love isn't just an emotion, it's an action. Acting loving will go a long way in creating a good relationship. From the other side of the aisle, call your spouse on their shit. Don't do it in public, but don't be afraid to tell them if you think they're wrong. Do it in as loving and non-confrontational way as possible, but do it. 

When you marry somebody, you’re making promises. If you can’t keep the promise, don’t make the promise. If you know, going in, that you can’t promise fidelity, don’t make the promise and be honest about why you can’t promise it. Your spouse deserves the respect of being able to make the decision of whether or not to marry by knowing all the facts in advance. Be honest, don’t lie. Don’t betray the trust you’ve been given. It’s a gift, and if your spouse doesn’t deserve your honesty, then don’t marry them.

Now, here is the advice I actually gave. Half the credit for this goes to my husband Scott. It was with him that I came to this realization. He’s a wise and loving man, and I’m lucky to be married to him.

Always remember and never, ever forget, that you're taking marriage vows, not making a suicide pact. Neither of you have to go down with the sinking ship. This isn't the Thunderdome. You married by choice, and as long as you remember that you're in this by choice, you'll be fine. 

I’m going to tell you some very hard truths about what I see. You probably won’t like it, but if you don’t then just leave this page. Leave it now, because I’m going to bring the hurt.

Men complain all the time about women. It’s so pervasive in popular culture that we could number the jokes and not even have to tell them. We could assign letters to the bitchy comments and no one would know the difference. It has probably never occurred to you that you’re at least half of the problem, but you are. Seriously, there are things you could do to make the situation better, but you’re either too stupid to see the solution or too lazy to actually take action. I’m torn on which it is.

The first and best solution is to fucking LISTEN to women. Listen to, not just the words, but what they’re saying. I know it’s hard. I know that you think that it’s not worth the effort, but it really is. Most men view communication as a competition, whoever makes the other concede the point first, wins. That’s not the way that communication is supposed to work. It’s not about making a point or winning an argument, it’s about exchanging ideas. It’s learning about one another. The largest erogenous zone in the human body is the Brain, guys. You stimulate a woman’s brain, and you get laid more. You listen to what she’s saying and she gives you less shit. If you take women as seriously as you take your guy friends, you’ll have more women than you can imagine. It’s actually a proven fact.

There is a second point I’d like to make. The fact is that there are wonderful women out there that will make you happy. They don’t all look like Victoria’s Secrets underwear models. It’s a fact that you need to understand. Women do not all look the same and their physical appearance shouldn’t keep you from wanting to get to know them. You’ll find that once you get to know them, they become way more attractive. Do you really want women to decide whether they want to get to know you based on how closely you resemble Hugh Jackman? If you don’t, they why the FUCK do you judge women on how closely they resemble Megan Fox before you talk to them? Do you really think you have a chance with Megan Fox anyway? You think women only want you for your money? Try wanting them for more than their tits and see how quickly that changes.

Now ladies, lest you think you’re off the hook, I’m going to tell you something. I hear, all the time, that there aren’t any good men out there. Of course there are. You’re looking in the wrong goddam place for them, and you call them friends. You relegate them to the “friend” pile and never understand that they are everything you’re looking for but you’re too stupid to see it.

You see, a good man isn’t always going to be exciting. My beloved Scott is actually rather boring at times. We don’t live an exciting life, but if you think that “real” or “True Love” is supposed to be excitement all the time, put down that romance novel, turn off that romantic comedy, and bang your head on the table. If you want or have children, you don’t want midnight plane rides to Paris; you want someone who will get up at 1:00 am to take a toddler to the bathroom so you can get some sleep. You don’t want moonlight strolls through London; you want someone who’s willing to wait up until a teenager gets home from a date. Forget breakfast in bed, cleaning up the cat’s hairball first thing in the morning is really more romantic.

All of those things show that they actually care about YOU. There’s nothing wrong with the other stuff, it’s just not what a life together is actually made of. It’s not the big moments that prove the love, it’s the little ones.

Let’s talk about our fixation on “Bad Boys” for a second. I’ve fallen for them, too. You’re not going to change them. You aren’t going to civilize them and they’re not going to suddenly see the light and become reliable. It’s stupid to believe it. Any stories that you see about that happening are Fairy Tales. Married men that have affairs are not going to fall in love with you and become faithful. It never happens that way. If they cheat on their wives with you, they’re going to cheat on you with someone else. You taught them that it’s okay. It’s a fact. Deal with it.

In short, boys and girls, we all believe lies and fairy tales about each other. We all screw this up and we all need to change the way we look at each other. Men need to stop talking at women and start talking to them. Women need to stop trying to change men into what we think they need to be and start accepting them for who they actually are. We need to stop judging the opposite sex based on jokes, stories or preconceived notions. We’ll never be happy until we do.

I have, in my almost 50 years on this earth, had three long term relationships. The first was with an abusive, cheating drunk, and the second was with and abusive, cheating bad boy. I have been married to the man of my dreams for three years. He didn’t come in the package I always dreamed of, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is the man of my dreams.

Scott isn’t perfect. He’s a geek that talks about computers and physics until my eyes glaze over and make me wish for death. He does rather revolting things to his Ramen noodles and currently has an obsession with anime that I find baffling. He’s not tall, dark and handsome. I love him dearly.

I’m not perfect either. The kitchen always looks like a battlefield after I cook, and he bravely cleans it. He rarely complains about it, but I know that he’d rather I did a better job at cleaning up after myself. I’m not the exotic type of beauty that he likes looking at, but it doesn’t matter, and my obsession with all things fiber bores him to tears, but he bravely fights the urge to fall asleep when I wax poetic about the virtues of wool.

Our life isn’t exciting, but both of us understand that it doesn’t have to be in order for us to be happy. I see so many people out there looking for love, and not understanding that it’s right there, under their noses. They’re either too blind or too busy discounting people to see it. 

I have been accused, very recently in fact, of saying and doing things for no other purpose than pissing people off. This is a vicious lie. For someone to think that my sole reason for doing anything is to upset someone else is to say that my life is so empty, that I am so devoid of feeling, that I get joy from the upset of others. Thank you so much for the insult. Now, get the fuck out of my life. I have better things to do than to deal with you.

I will confess that I do say things that upset people. I have been known to say or do things that have the potential of pissing people off. I do so knowing that it will piss people off and I do it anyway. I don’t tip toe my way through the thickets of everyone else’s emotions. I don’t avoid topics because others might get mad at me, and I certainly don’t hold my tongue because others are too fucking easy to insult. Life is too goddam short for that shit. If people are going to be angry or feel insulted when I say something, then it’s really their problem. I don’t stand at the ready with a fire extinguisher, ready to put out the fire of your butt hurt.

In short, if your panties get in a wad because of something I say or do, don’t expect me to pick them out of your ass crack for you. It’s not going to happen. I have more important things in my life, like picking lint out of my belly button.

Let me make it clear, I’m not unsympathetic to your pain. I know what it’s like to be hurt by the words of others. That shit about words never hurting is wrong. I’m just not afraid of speaking my opinions or living my life because you, or anyone, will disapprove of me. That kind of fear is pervasive and paralyzing. That kind of fear makes it impossible to live and authentic life. I can’t be me under those constraints, and it’s unfair of you to expect it of me.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. I won’t, however, shut up because you find my opinions uncomfortable. I won’t stop being me because you think I’m weird or stupid or offensive. I spent too many years being silent to stop now that I’ve found my voice.

Get over yourself, and if you can’t, get off my Facebook page, stay away from my blog, don’t ask my opinion, and for FUCK’S SAKE, don’t come whining to me when shit goes sideways. That’s just asking for it, and you have no right to complain if you know it’s coming.

This has been a public service announcement. Your mileage may vary. Contents are measured by weight not volume. Some settling may occur during shipping. Please use as directed. Etc…. Blah blah blah….

Well, it’s time for the annual rite of insanity known as the Holidays. Let me say, for the record, that I am well provisioned in my bunker, waiting out the crazies. I sit, sure in the knowledge that, like a kidney stone, this too shall pass. I can wait them out.

I don’t want to talk about the looniness going on at shopping malls all over the world. I can’t stop that, and I really don’t want to. If people want to go to Toys R Us and fight to the death over a video game, who am I to try to stop them. It’s their lives and if they want to shed blood over a video game or other crap they don’t need, good on them. When the holidays are over and the bodies are cleared from the field of battle, I can walk in, get what I want, and walk out without injury.

No, what I really want to address is the “War on Christmas.” That’s the idiocy I’m referring to. It’s here… again… like a Civil War reenactment every year. People don’t want to let the war end.

I used to think it was only crazy Christian fundies and Fox Nooze that perpetuate this, but now I’m not so sure. After watching my Facebook feed for the past couple of days, I’m convinced that Pagans, too, want to wage the “War on Yule,” or some other bullshit. (To my family and friends, don’t worry. I put on flame retardant panties this morning. I’m going to be fine.)

You see, here’s what I see happening. The opening shots usually come from the Fundies (or Fox Nooze.) Then Pagans, who have been studying all year for this, start firing away about how Christmas Trees are really Yule Trees, and Christians stole them from us. We go on and on about this or that Holy Day that was celebrated at this time of year, and how the Church co-opted those days to win converts. This year, I’ve noticed a new bit of ammunition about how there are verses in the Bible on how Christmas trees are forbidden.

I won’t dispute the veracity of any of these things. They are, for the record, quite true. They are all, however, academic and make no fucking difference whatsoever. It’s meaningless. We can babble on and on about Saturnalia, and how Santa Claus is really Odin, or whatever theory is in vogue, but it’s useless and just perpetuates the idea that we are stealing Christmas. It’s worse when, since we know we’re right, we get like a cat playing with a lizard, and won’t let up until the damn thing is dead.

It’s hurting our cause and convincing said Crazy Fundies that they’re right. We’re trying to take away Christmas. In other, plainer words, we’re doing to them exactly what they do to us.

It’s unbecoming. It’s stupid. More importantly, it’s hurting us. It’s making us look like a bunch of petulant children fighting over a toy. It’s time to give it up.

We all want people that profess a faith to live by the tenets of that faith. If people claim that a book is literally true, then that entire book is literally true. Yes, I know all of that. It’s just that they stole this stuff a very long time ago. The statute of limitations ran out a couple of centuries ago. Let it go.

You can make your point, of course. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. After you make your point, let it go. Leave it alone. Walk away. Act like the grown up in the situation and let them have the fucking Christmas tree, or whatever. You can go home, sit in front of your Yule tree and have an egg nog in peace. There is nothing to be gained from continuing to fight. If we do this, and they continue to scream, (and they will,) we win because they look like idiots fighting with no one.

And also, I get some peace and don’t have to listen to the bullshit anymore. 

It’s been a while since I posted here, and I will admit that it’s for one reason. I was waiting for someone to engage me. The last couple of posts have dealt with the patriarchy and the way it still treats women. I have gotten NO response at all. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

The men that I expected to defend themselves never showed up. The man haters saying “Right on Sister!!” never got to the party. I asked a couple of people for their opinion, and the most combative response I got was, “We’ll have to agree to disagree.”

WHAT THE FUCK??????? Are you all serious? What are you all afraid of here? Even the gay men in my life, refuse to even talk to me about it. The one woman that I know that thinks we need to keep 100 men for breeding purposes and launch the rest into space with anyone who still watches Glee won’t engage me on this issue.

What are people so fucking afraid of? It’s been 100 years since women took the right to vote. The patriarchy has been dominant for what, four, five thousand years? Probably more, actually, and we’re afraid to admit that it didn’t get dismantled completely in less than a hundred years??

Ladies, do you think they’re going to kick us out of the board rooms if we tell the truth? Men, do you think you’re not going to get laid if you admit that, in a lot of ways, you’re still assholes? Seriously? What a bunch of fucking cowards we are. Yes, I’m including myself in there.

I was considering dropping this, you see. I spent last night trying to come up with a boffo post on cooperation or control, or some other bullshit topic that was less controversial. A topic, in short, that people would actually talk to me about. After a couple of hours of writer’s block and a growing sense of rage, I gave up on that.

We have to grasp that we can’t hide our heads in the sand and solve our problems. We can’t have a level playing field if we refuse to admit that it’s not level now.

Both men and women are both so afraid to take an honest look what the Patriarchy has done to damage both sides, and to confront the problem head on. I’m tired of the bullshit, and I’m not going to stop screaming until someone listens to me.