I was asked recently if I had any advice for someone about to be married. I gave the advice I wished someone had given me the first time around. In the couple of days since, I’ve had a few conversations about relationship advice they wished they had been given, and the following is, in no particular order, my list of the best advice for a happy relationship. Enjoy, learn what you can, take what you need and be happy.

The most common advice given to young couples is “Never go to bed angry.” In my mind, though this sounds like good advice, it’s kind of unrealistic. (Unless you’re planning on spending nights on the couch, everyone is going to go to bed angry at some time or another.) Instead, I’d say, never go to bed without saying “I love you.” You may not like them, but you love them and those are words that need to be said when you’re angry.  Not only does your husband, wife or S.O. need to hear it, you need to say it to remind yourself.

Learn to apologize and sound like you mean it, even if you don't. Ask yourself, what's more important, being right or peace and love. If it's being right, then by all means never apologize, but sometimes, peace and love means saying I'm sorry even if you're not 

Learn to forgive, not for them, but for you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Being unable to forgive causes wounds to fester, keeps you angry and makes love impossible. Don't carry a grudge and get the chip off of your shoulder. You're in this together, fucking act like it.

In an argument, when you’re the angriest, think of one reason that you’re with them in the first place. It won’t solve the issue at hand, but it will soften you a little. Sometimes that little is the difference between a disagreement and a fight.

Always buy two tubes of toothpaste. For some reason known only to the Gods, one of the laws of the universe states that middle squeezers always marry folders. It’s not worth the fight, and life is easier if you’re not driving each other crazy that way. Along the same vein, the world will not stop spinning if your spouse loads the toilet paper the “wrong way” on the roller. If it bothers you that much, take the 30 seconds to change it yourself. It’s not worth the fight, it never is. Bitching about it will only fester discontent, and every argument you will ever have will include this.

There are six words that must enter your vocabulary. “I was wrong” and “you were right.” Learn them. Know them. Make them part of your everyday world. There is no weakness in admitting that you were wrong and your spouse was right. Knowing those six words will heal wounds, mend hearts, and frequently get you laid.

Another part of your permanent vocabulary should be, “Okay. Yes, Dear.” It doesn’t matter your gender. Sometimes, even if you don’t like it, your spouse’s happiness needs to come first. Sometimes, even if you’re wrong, you need to give in. Unless you want your home to become a battlefield, these three little words are important. If you can’t say them, don’t say “I do.”

Your spouse’s happiness isn’t your responsibility. It’s understandable that you want him or her to be happy, but it’s not your job. You can’t make anyone else happy. You can help them be happy. You can do things with the possibility of making them happy. You can encourage them to do things that will make them happy, but you can’t make them happy. Working to make someone happy only makes everyone irritable.

Talk to them, respect their opinions, don’t interrupt and listen actively. If you’re listening to the first couple of words they say, and then begin formulating your response before their done speaking, you’re going to miss something. It’s going to be important. It could delay resolution and it will piss your spouse off. Communication isn't a contest. It’s not about who wins, it’s about resolving conflict and being close. If you ever, ever lose sight of that, the whole thing is lost.

If you have to choose between a clean house, or time with your spouse, the spouse should always win. Always. There should never be a debate about this. There should be no question about this. Never, ever choose vacuuming or dusting over your spouse. In the sage words of my first mother in law: “There was dirt in this world when I came into it. There will be dirt in this world when I left. If all I do is spend my time moving that dirt from one place to another, I will have wasted my life.”

Stick up for your spouse. Don't throw them under the bus. Praise in public and bitch in private. Don't bad mouth your spouse, they don't deserve it. Love isn't just an emotion, it's an action. Acting loving will go a long way in creating a good relationship. From the other side of the aisle, call your spouse on their shit. Don't do it in public, but don't be afraid to tell them if you think they're wrong. Do it in as loving and non-confrontational way as possible, but do it. 

When you marry somebody, you’re making promises. If you can’t keep the promise, don’t make the promise. If you know, going in, that you can’t promise fidelity, don’t make the promise and be honest about why you can’t promise it. Your spouse deserves the respect of being able to make the decision of whether or not to marry by knowing all the facts in advance. Be honest, don’t lie. Don’t betray the trust you’ve been given. It’s a gift, and if your spouse doesn’t deserve your honesty, then don’t marry them.

Now, here is the advice I actually gave. Half the credit for this goes to my husband Scott. It was with him that I came to this realization. He’s a wise and loving man, and I’m lucky to be married to him.

Always remember and never, ever forget, that you're taking marriage vows, not making a suicide pact. Neither of you have to go down with the sinking ship. This isn't the Thunderdome. You married by choice, and as long as you remember that you're in this by choice, you'll be fine. 

I’m going to tell you some very hard truths about what I see. You probably won’t like it, but if you don’t then just leave this page. Leave it now, because I’m going to bring the hurt.

Men complain all the time about women. It’s so pervasive in popular culture that we could number the jokes and not even have to tell them. We could assign letters to the bitchy comments and no one would know the difference. It has probably never occurred to you that you’re at least half of the problem, but you are. Seriously, there are things you could do to make the situation better, but you’re either too stupid to see the solution or too lazy to actually take action. I’m torn on which it is.

The first and best solution is to fucking LISTEN to women. Listen to, not just the words, but what they’re saying. I know it’s hard. I know that you think that it’s not worth the effort, but it really is. Most men view communication as a competition, whoever makes the other concede the point first, wins. That’s not the way that communication is supposed to work. It’s not about making a point or winning an argument, it’s about exchanging ideas. It’s learning about one another. The largest erogenous zone in the human body is the Brain, guys. You stimulate a woman’s brain, and you get laid more. You listen to what she’s saying and she gives you less shit. If you take women as seriously as you take your guy friends, you’ll have more women than you can imagine. It’s actually a proven fact.

There is a second point I’d like to make. The fact is that there are wonderful women out there that will make you happy. They don’t all look like Victoria’s Secrets underwear models. It’s a fact that you need to understand. Women do not all look the same and their physical appearance shouldn’t keep you from wanting to get to know them. You’ll find that once you get to know them, they become way more attractive. Do you really want women to decide whether they want to get to know you based on how closely you resemble Hugh Jackman? If you don’t, they why the FUCK do you judge women on how closely they resemble Megan Fox before you talk to them? Do you really think you have a chance with Megan Fox anyway? You think women only want you for your money? Try wanting them for more than their tits and see how quickly that changes.

Now ladies, lest you think you’re off the hook, I’m going to tell you something. I hear, all the time, that there aren’t any good men out there. Of course there are. You’re looking in the wrong goddam place for them, and you call them friends. You relegate them to the “friend” pile and never understand that they are everything you’re looking for but you’re too stupid to see it.

You see, a good man isn’t always going to be exciting. My beloved Scott is actually rather boring at times. We don’t live an exciting life, but if you think that “real” or “True Love” is supposed to be excitement all the time, put down that romance novel, turn off that romantic comedy, and bang your head on the table. If you want or have children, you don’t want midnight plane rides to Paris; you want someone who will get up at 1:00 am to take a toddler to the bathroom so you can get some sleep. You don’t want moonlight strolls through London; you want someone who’s willing to wait up until a teenager gets home from a date. Forget breakfast in bed, cleaning up the cat’s hairball first thing in the morning is really more romantic.

All of those things show that they actually care about YOU. There’s nothing wrong with the other stuff, it’s just not what a life together is actually made of. It’s not the big moments that prove the love, it’s the little ones.

Let’s talk about our fixation on “Bad Boys” for a second. I’ve fallen for them, too. You’re not going to change them. You aren’t going to civilize them and they’re not going to suddenly see the light and become reliable. It’s stupid to believe it. Any stories that you see about that happening are Fairy Tales. Married men that have affairs are not going to fall in love with you and become faithful. It never happens that way. If they cheat on their wives with you, they’re going to cheat on you with someone else. You taught them that it’s okay. It’s a fact. Deal with it.

In short, boys and girls, we all believe lies and fairy tales about each other. We all screw this up and we all need to change the way we look at each other. Men need to stop talking at women and start talking to them. Women need to stop trying to change men into what we think they need to be and start accepting them for who they actually are. We need to stop judging the opposite sex based on jokes, stories or preconceived notions. We’ll never be happy until we do.

I have, in my almost 50 years on this earth, had three long term relationships. The first was with an abusive, cheating drunk, and the second was with and abusive, cheating bad boy. I have been married to the man of my dreams for three years. He didn’t come in the package I always dreamed of, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is the man of my dreams.

Scott isn’t perfect. He’s a geek that talks about computers and physics until my eyes glaze over and make me wish for death. He does rather revolting things to his Ramen noodles and currently has an obsession with anime that I find baffling. He’s not tall, dark and handsome. I love him dearly.

I’m not perfect either. The kitchen always looks like a battlefield after I cook, and he bravely cleans it. He rarely complains about it, but I know that he’d rather I did a better job at cleaning up after myself. I’m not the exotic type of beauty that he likes looking at, but it doesn’t matter, and my obsession with all things fiber bores him to tears, but he bravely fights the urge to fall asleep when I wax poetic about the virtues of wool.

Our life isn’t exciting, but both of us understand that it doesn’t have to be in order for us to be happy. I see so many people out there looking for love, and not understanding that it’s right there, under their noses. They’re either too blind or too busy discounting people to see it. 

I have been accused, very recently in fact, of saying and doing things for no other purpose than pissing people off. This is a vicious lie. For someone to think that my sole reason for doing anything is to upset someone else is to say that my life is so empty, that I am so devoid of feeling, that I get joy from the upset of others. Thank you so much for the insult. Now, get the fuck out of my life. I have better things to do than to deal with you.

I will confess that I do say things that upset people. I have been known to say or do things that have the potential of pissing people off. I do so knowing that it will piss people off and I do it anyway. I don’t tip toe my way through the thickets of everyone else’s emotions. I don’t avoid topics because others might get mad at me, and I certainly don’t hold my tongue because others are too fucking easy to insult. Life is too goddam short for that shit. If people are going to be angry or feel insulted when I say something, then it’s really their problem. I don’t stand at the ready with a fire extinguisher, ready to put out the fire of your butt hurt.

In short, if your panties get in a wad because of something I say or do, don’t expect me to pick them out of your ass crack for you. It’s not going to happen. I have more important things in my life, like picking lint out of my belly button.

Let me make it clear, I’m not unsympathetic to your pain. I know what it’s like to be hurt by the words of others. That shit about words never hurting is wrong. I’m just not afraid of speaking my opinions or living my life because you, or anyone, will disapprove of me. That kind of fear is pervasive and paralyzing. That kind of fear makes it impossible to live and authentic life. I can’t be me under those constraints, and it’s unfair of you to expect it of me.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. I won’t, however, shut up because you find my opinions uncomfortable. I won’t stop being me because you think I’m weird or stupid or offensive. I spent too many years being silent to stop now that I’ve found my voice.

Get over yourself, and if you can’t, get off my Facebook page, stay away from my blog, don’t ask my opinion, and for FUCK’S SAKE, don’t come whining to me when shit goes sideways. That’s just asking for it, and you have no right to complain if you know it’s coming.

This has been a public service announcement. Your mileage may vary. Contents are measured by weight not volume. Some settling may occur during shipping. Please use as directed. Etc…. Blah blah blah….

Well, it’s time for the annual rite of insanity known as the Holidays. Let me say, for the record, that I am well provisioned in my bunker, waiting out the crazies. I sit, sure in the knowledge that, like a kidney stone, this too shall pass. I can wait them out.

I don’t want to talk about the looniness going on at shopping malls all over the world. I can’t stop that, and I really don’t want to. If people want to go to Toys R Us and fight to the death over a video game, who am I to try to stop them. It’s their lives and if they want to shed blood over a video game or other crap they don’t need, good on them. When the holidays are over and the bodies are cleared from the field of battle, I can walk in, get what I want, and walk out without injury.

No, what I really want to address is the “War on Christmas.” That’s the idiocy I’m referring to. It’s here… again… like a Civil War reenactment every year. People don’t want to let the war end.

I used to think it was only crazy Christian fundies and Fox Nooze that perpetuate this, but now I’m not so sure. After watching my Facebook feed for the past couple of days, I’m convinced that Pagans, too, want to wage the “War on Yule,” or some other bullshit. (To my family and friends, don’t worry. I put on flame retardant panties this morning. I’m going to be fine.)

You see, here’s what I see happening. The opening shots usually come from the Fundies (or Fox Nooze.) Then Pagans, who have been studying all year for this, start firing away about how Christmas Trees are really Yule Trees, and Christians stole them from us. We go on and on about this or that Holy Day that was celebrated at this time of year, and how the Church co-opted those days to win converts. This year, I’ve noticed a new bit of ammunition about how there are verses in the Bible on how Christmas trees are forbidden.

I won’t dispute the veracity of any of these things. They are, for the record, quite true. They are all, however, academic and make no fucking difference whatsoever. It’s meaningless. We can babble on and on about Saturnalia, and how Santa Claus is really Odin, or whatever theory is in vogue, but it’s useless and just perpetuates the idea that we are stealing Christmas. It’s worse when, since we know we’re right, we get like a cat playing with a lizard, and won’t let up until the damn thing is dead.

It’s hurting our cause and convincing said Crazy Fundies that they’re right. We’re trying to take away Christmas. In other, plainer words, we’re doing to them exactly what they do to us.

It’s unbecoming. It’s stupid. More importantly, it’s hurting us. It’s making us look like a bunch of petulant children fighting over a toy. It’s time to give it up.

We all want people that profess a faith to live by the tenets of that faith. If people claim that a book is literally true, then that entire book is literally true. Yes, I know all of that. It’s just that they stole this stuff a very long time ago. The statute of limitations ran out a couple of centuries ago. Let it go.

You can make your point, of course. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. After you make your point, let it go. Leave it alone. Walk away. Act like the grown up in the situation and let them have the fucking Christmas tree, or whatever. You can go home, sit in front of your Yule tree and have an egg nog in peace. There is nothing to be gained from continuing to fight. If we do this, and they continue to scream, (and they will,) we win because they look like idiots fighting with no one.

And also, I get some peace and don’t have to listen to the bullshit anymore. 

It’s been a while since I posted here, and I will admit that it’s for one reason. I was waiting for someone to engage me. The last couple of posts have dealt with the patriarchy and the way it still treats women. I have gotten NO response at all. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

The men that I expected to defend themselves never showed up. The man haters saying “Right on Sister!!” never got to the party. I asked a couple of people for their opinion, and the most combative response I got was, “We’ll have to agree to disagree.”

WHAT THE FUCK??????? Are you all serious? What are you all afraid of here? Even the gay men in my life, refuse to even talk to me about it. The one woman that I know that thinks we need to keep 100 men for breeding purposes and launch the rest into space with anyone who still watches Glee won’t engage me on this issue.

What are people so fucking afraid of? It’s been 100 years since women took the right to vote. The patriarchy has been dominant for what, four, five thousand years? Probably more, actually, and we’re afraid to admit that it didn’t get dismantled completely in less than a hundred years??

Ladies, do you think they’re going to kick us out of the board rooms if we tell the truth? Men, do you think you’re not going to get laid if you admit that, in a lot of ways, you’re still assholes? Seriously? What a bunch of fucking cowards we are. Yes, I’m including myself in there.

I was considering dropping this, you see. I spent last night trying to come up with a boffo post on cooperation or control, or some other bullshit topic that was less controversial. A topic, in short, that people would actually talk to me about. After a couple of hours of writer’s block and a growing sense of rage, I gave up on that.

We have to grasp that we can’t hide our heads in the sand and solve our problems. We can’t have a level playing field if we refuse to admit that it’s not level now.

Both men and women are both so afraid to take an honest look what the Patriarchy has done to damage both sides, and to confront the problem head on. I’m tired of the bullshit, and I’m not going to stop screaming until someone listens to me. 

All my life, I’ve been told that men were smarter than I am. I’ve been told that men are stronger, both emotionally and physically, and that I can never accomplish what men can, because I’m just a girl. To be fair, my parents never said that, and my mother went ballistic all over people when they tried to say it to my face, but the message was there all the same. The media conveys it in every word.

That is the basic message of the patriarchy. Men are better. Women are weak, emotional, unstable and shallow. Women can’t control themselves and can’t be trusted to make their own decisions. Women’s worth, according to the patriarchy, is based upon how they look and how well they can serve the men who are their “natural” superiors.

Let’s take a look at what patriarchy says about men, shall we?

The patriarchy says that women are worthy based on how they look. . The patriarchy says that only if women look and behave a certain way, can they be attractive to men. What does this say about men? It says than men are shallow, and can only judge women based on appearance. It says that men are too stupid and lazy to look any deeper than boob size to find a woman they are compatible with. It insults every man out there, by calling them appearance obsessed idiots. If I were a man, I’d find that extremely offensive, and I certainly wouldn’t support a system that says such things about me.

The patriarchy says that women must look and behave a certain way or they deserve the violence that men heap upon them. What this says about men is that men are animals that are incapable of any form of self-control. It says that women and women only, are the determiners of men’s behavior. It says, actually, that women are in control of men and how they act, and that men simply are simply organisms that act and react on outside stimulus. Kind of insulting, don’t you think?

It says that women are interested in men’s money and power, and that alone. I find this one particularly interesting, because it says that men have no other redeeming qualities than money. It says that all men have going for them is money. Just like women have no other value than breast size and fecundity, men have no other value than the monetary one. Maybe I’m just an illogical and emotional woman, but that doesn’t seem good to me.

According to the patriarchy, women are illogical and emotional, unable to control themselves or their actions. Yet, and interestingly enough, the patriarchy says that a woman’s place is in the home, caring for children. What does it say about men, that you would trust your children to people that are emotionally unstable? What does it tell you, that the patriarchy says that the emotionally unstable is, by nature, supposed to care for the most vulnerable among us? Hmmm….. Causes one to think, doesn’t it?

Finally, the patriarchy says that men should have the right to decide when, if and how we reproduce, and that we shouldn’t have control of our own bodies. Let’s try this for illogic, shall we. As previously discussed, men can’t control their own behavior when it comes to women. If we behave badly, or sexually, the patriarchy believes that we deserve to be raped or beaten. However, the patriarchy believes that the same men, who can’t control themselves, should have control over women’s bodies. If they can’t control themselves, what makes any man think that they can control something outside themselves, namely women? What kind of a logical pretzel do you have to contort yourself into, to reach that insane conclusion? Yet, there it is. It happens. It’s happening all over the world, and men and women accept it.

Not all men overtly believe this. Even my own, rather enlightened husband, has admitted to some of these attitudes, though in fairness, when it’s pointed out to him he admits it’s stupid. The messages for these things are everywhere, but we refuse to confront them directly.

So, gentlemen, the system you set up insults you. You say that you’re against feminism, because feminism is “man hating.” Clearly, the patriarchy hates men just as much; it just doesn't want to admit it. 

There is, in my life, and overabundance of stupid. I’m not going to lie here, I’ve been engaging in a bit of it myself lately, but it’s mostly coming from other people. So I’m going to rant a bit here. I’m pretty sure you’ll find yourself here.

First of all, I’m not going to win. The rules of the game are rigged. I can either lose by following the rules, or I can lose by being myself. No way around it here. I’m going down in flames. Do I go down dressed in a red dress with a bottle of wine in one hand and a box of Godiva in the other, or do I do it dressed in a burka? Decisions, decisions, decisions….

I hate it when I fight with myself like this. The answer to this dilemma should be easy, but somehow it never is. When is it going to get easier?

Another thing, and this one doesn’t have to do with me… Why do people let casual acquaintances get them all pissed off about “not respecting” them, but let those closest to them stomp all over them? What’s up about that? I mean, seriously. I’ve had more than a few people on my Facebook friends list post that “if you don’t respect my personal life or political opinions I’ll cut you out of my life,” but they let lovers cheat, lie and rob them of dignity with impunity.

For Fuck’s Sake, people, get a grip. If it’s not okay for someone to bitch because you’re gay, or want women’s rights, or think that feeding the poor is more important that a fucking aircraft carrier, why is it okay if they screw everyone in sight?? I don’t get it. What’s the point of tossing people out of your life for disrespect, when the people close to you get away with it? If you put up with the disrespect from the people closest to you, do you really have the right to bitch about others showing you disrespect? Aren’t you teaching them that it’s okay by allowing lovers and family to do it?

While we’re on the subject of political beliefs… It’s okay for people to not agree with you. Everyone has the right to be wrong. We don’t all have to agree. Let’s all be intellectually honest, though. If you’re only reason for believing something has to do with a hatred of the other side, or a book that was written 2,000 years ago, you’ve already lost. You deserve to lose. Suck it up.

I’m all for spiritual beliefs informing one’s opinions. I do it all the time. What I don’t do is allow the inherent illogic of those beliefs to make my decisions for me. I believe that we, as a society, have an obligation to make sure the less fortunate have things like health care, food, and shelter. I believe that my GLBT brothers and sisters have the legal right to marry and form families, just like the heterosexual among us do. I believe all of those things, in part, because of my spiritual belief that we all have the spark of the Divine within us. That spark demands that we all be treated with respect, dignity and equality. I also know that the Constitution of the United States allows for such things, and that refusing basic rights to all people will only allow fucktards to take rights away from more and more people.

Thank you for listening to my rant. You may now join our previously scheduled programming, already in progress…..

Men and women are different. We look at the world differently. We solve problems differently. Our spiritual connections are profoundly different. That’s a fact, and if you want to argue with me, go ahead. You have the right to your own opinion, and if you use that right to be totally wrong, that’s your choice, not mine.

There are some people I know, and you know who you are, who will use that statement to imply that the “women’s way” is somehow less than the men’s way. You know the typical bullshit about being illogical or overly emotional. The fact is that woman have a more emotional and visceral connection to the Divine. It’s easier for us to connect with the Divine, because we carry in our bodies the creative force in the Universe. We create and give birth to life. Men are part of the cycle but women are the cycle. Daily, monthly, yearly and for most of our lives, it’s what we do. So we’re more emotional about it. What the fuck is wrong with that??

Men connect to the Divine literally, and at first on a purely intellectual level. Now, before you go all ape shit on me and tell me I don’t understand, I’ll tell you that this wasn’t something I believed until my husband said it. If you want to throw stones, throw them at him first. (I’ll warn you, he throws back, and he has really good aim, so think about it first. He’s not a sweetheart like me.) Men think in an almost exclusively linear fashion. Point a leads to point b leads to point c… On and on times infinity…. They learn that way, they solve problems that way and they live their lives as almost entirely goal oriented.

I’m not bashing men when I say this. It would be like being angry at my cat for being unable to resist the yarn on the coffee table. It’s just the way they are, and it’s cool. They say that there are men out there that don’t think this way, but I’ve never actually met one. I think they’re like unicorns; you have to be a virgin to meet one. (that train left the station a looooong time ago, so I’m not holding my breath.)

Women think and connect differently. We think and connect by seeing the relationships. While men see a tree, women see the tree as the leaves, roots and trunk and how they relate to one another. It’s just a difference, that’s all; one of the inherent differences between men and women that make life exciting and frustrating.

Here’s where the problem lies. Men, for reasons of power and control, decided long ago to portray a woman’s way of seeing and dealing with the world as inferior to theirs. “Women’s intuition” is as reviled as it is feared. Women’s emotionality is considered unstable. A woman’s ability to multi-task, as in cook dinner, keep the kids from killing themselves and others, doing the laundry and studying for an exam, is looked at as a lack of ability to focus. They aren’t looked at as the strengths they actually are, they’re portrayed as negatives. Men don’t do it as well as women, so they say that women’s ability to do somehow makes them unfit. Or, perhaps, they want to “spare the little lady” anymore stress. (that’s what they say at least. I’m calling bullshit on that.)

What I’m trying to lead up to, and going the scenic route to get there, is that men have set the world up in a way that makes it harder for women to be our authentic selves. Women are at war within themselves. On the one hand, we know that we have a built in connection to the Divine, but on the other, we’re being told that the connection we have is wrong or faulty in some way. It’s not a “logical,” or linear connection, so it’s either not a true connection or the connection was formed wrong. (Yes, I’ve actually been told that.)

Almost every religion designs its structure on a linear, goal oriented, male model. I’m including all of those “feminine positive” ones in there as well. I say almost, only because there are some I haven’t seen yet, and it’s possible, though not likely, that there is one or two out there that don’t. What are we saying to women, when we structure everything in a way that makes in harder, if not impossible, for them to achieve prominence by using our gifts and talents in a way that is native to us? We’re saying, in short, that women are inferior, and that’s not the truth.

I’m not trying to overthrow the world. (okay, maybe I am, but it’s for a good cause.) What I want to do first is to level the playing field. I want people, men and women alike, to understand that women and men can do the same things, but that we can to them equally well but differently. We don’t have to use the same path to reach the same destination; we just have to all get there.

I live a traditional life. I don’t work outside the home. I do traditional type “women’s” work during my day. I spin, I knit, I cook and do laundry. This is where I find my bliss, this is what I enjoy. This is how I find happiness.

I believe that this is my choice, and I choose to live my life this way. I work hard, I accomplish things. The next person to tell me that I’m “only a housewife,” or that I “don’t work,” is going to have an up close and personal meeting with the pointy end of a knitting needle. Seriously, folks, I’m still waiting for the soaps and BonBons thing to start. My life certainly isn’t that way at all. You’re delusional if you think that my life or any home keeping woman’s life is like that.

Having said all of that, I want to make it clear that I am a feminist. If women want to venture outside the home to earn a living, the God’s Bless them. It’s their right and their choice. They should have every opportunity to do so, and no barriers should be put in their way. They shouldn’t be looked down upon, nor should they have to give up things that men aren’t expected to give up in order to do so. Some women have to work outside the home to provide for their families. All women deserve to be paid equally to men.

Along the same vein, I also think that men should have these choices. If a woman earns as much as her husband or partner, and he wants to stay home, he should have that choice. No one should look down upon him because he finds his bliss in a different way than other men.

That, my friends, is what the feminist movement is really all about. Yeah, it got sidetracked by a bunch of loonies. It lost its way among the emotional thickets that people put up, but it is, in essence, about choices for everyone, not just women. That’s the one thing that the anti-feminist crowd doesn’t understand. If women, and their work, are elevated to its proper place, then everyone is elevated. A tide that rises raises all ships, not just those piloted by women. If women can make the best life choices for themselves, then men are also freer to choose things that may be unconventional.

That, boys and girls, is the true meaning of feminism. It’s a message that has been lost in the choruses of “man hating” and “feminazi” bullshit.

My daughters have made different choices with their lives. You know what?? That’s fantastic. I am in total support of their ideas of following their bliss. I believe that it’s up to them to decide the best course for their lives, just as I support each and every man, woman and child in their decisions for what is best for them. I am not living their life any more than they are living mine.

So, you want to revile feminists? So you want women in the kitchen, unable to decide how many children they have? So, you want old, white men deciding if you can choose whether or not you can be sexually active and what jobs you can or can’t do? That is, of course, your decision. You have no right to make those decisions for me, or anyone else on the fucking planet. As an adult woman, I am offended by the idea that I am not smart enough, adult enough, or just plain too emotional to make these decisions for myself. 

My ancestors, women of strength and character, would mow you down where you stand for that. I am their daughter, and though it’s illegal for me to slay you where you stand, I’m going to call you on that bullshit here and now. There is a line in the sand, and you will not cross it.

I may stay in the kitchen, but it’s my fucking choice to do so. My sisters and daughters can make other choices, and that’s okay by me. 

Men, Women, Sex and Property Rights

I’ve thought about this long and hard.  I’ve thought about how to present this and offend the fewest people possible. I’ve decided that there is no possible to do that, so I’m just going to throw caution to the wind. Hang with me here, you may find yourself agreeing with me against your own will.

Here in the US, there is a very large kerfuffle about women’s rights. Should all insurance policies cover birth control? Should religious organizations be forced to “pay” for these policies? Should women have reproductive freedom? Should a woman be able to choose abortion if they are faced with an unplanned pregnancy? What about equal pay for equal work? Should a woman be able to sue if they are discriminated against in the work place? Do women deserve paid maternity leave?

For me, the answer to all of these questions is, of course, yes. Women deserve all of the rights that men enjoy. It’s a no brainer, really. The question then becomes, why, to a certain segment of the population, is the answer to all of these questions, no? Property rights.

For a long segment of human existence, women were considered the property of men. We were “owned,” first by our fathers, then by our husbands, and if we lived longer than our husbands, then to our sons. We were bargained and traded for in the marketplace, our bodies and lives given to others for land, influence, profit, and to cement treaties. It’s the way it is, folks, let’s not be squeamish about admitting it.

Now, at our point of evolution, or some semblance thereof, men find that they can’t do that anymore. We have, to a certain extent, fought, scratched, kicked, screamed, and nut crushed our way into a place in society where we have the veneer of self-determination. Mind you, it’s only the thinnest of veneers; we still have a long way to go. Our mothers fought, and we thought we could just sit back, stop fighting, and enjoy the fruits of their labors. We were wrong. Once again, the religious Reich, the fundies, those that want to own us are fighting back, and fighting dirty.

They want to take our freedoms away. The want the right to decide what we do with our bodies, without taking the responsibility for those decisions; those responsibilities are ours to bear. We decided to open our legs, or leave the abusive bastards that beat us. If we don’t like being paid less than men for the same job, well we can just find another job…. Right?? If we don’t want children, we can put an aspirin between our slutty knees. If we have sex, we shouldn’t expect the men we had sex with to pay money for the support of those children, much less stick around and do the work of raising them. Fuck no!! After all, it was our whorish ways that got us into that mess. Pregnancy is a “gift from God,” even if we got raped. Let’s make lemonade out of lemons, as it were.

The people that tell us that want to drag us into the past. They want women to be property again. I know, I know, you think I’m nuts. There is one more piece of evidence that I want to throw out there, and it’s not openly apparent. It’s about my GLBT brothers and sisters. What??? How do they fit in here??

You see, they’re facing fights on their own, and we’re natural allies. One of the reasons the Religious Reich and the haters don’t want them to marry, is the same reason that they want to shove women back into the box. Property rights.

Hang with me, here, because it really does make sense. These people can’t or won’t see a world in which two people who love each other can meet on even ground as equals. They refuse to see men and women as partners and not as conquerors and conquered. Someone has to be on top; someone has to lead. There has to be someone in charge, and that happens to be MEN. In a homosexual relationship, there is no “natural leader.” You can’t point to one partner or the other and say, “That’s the one in charge.” By nature, if both partners are of the same gender, neither has the “natural” place of control. One does not, in essence, own the other.

Social chaos ensues. If someone isn’t in charge, the whole process, in their eyes at least, breaks down. That is, I think, the “Homosexual Agenda” that they fear. They fear equality. They fear women being seen as the equals to men. They fear Gays and Lesbians being equal to Straights. They fear not being in control. They fear not owning their partners, because once ownership of another human being is destroyed, they lose power.

Fear not, my friends. Now that we know what we’re fighting, we know how to fight it. 

Women and men are not equal, saying that we are, is like saying that a lemon is equal to a watermelon. They’re both fruits, but that’s all they really have in common.

Yes, I did just say that. Now that it’s out there, I will say that we balance each other. Where one is weaker, the other is stronger. We are parallel in many ways, but we don’t stand on level ground. Our resting pulse, as it were, isn’t the same. We are, in so many important ways, so vastly different in outlook and thinking that we aren’t even on the same planet. Saying that we aren’t equal is fair.

That is not to say that we shouldn’t be looked at as equal partners in life, employment or society. We should and we must. The majority of problems we face on our world are due to the fact that women and men are not viewed as balanced partners. Women get a rotten deal in this world, and our Western society seems to not give a damn. Have you ever noticed that, when insulting a man, it’s always done by comparing him to something feminine or by insulting his mother?? Pussy, son of a bitch, bastard; all of those things are insulting to women or comparing him to women’s parts. How about, “you throw like a girl,” or “you run like a girl,” or “you screamed like a little girl?” Again, it’s all comparing men to women in a negative way. Hel, ladies, we do it, too. We participate in it.

What about what we do to each other? Shit, that’s worse because we should be on the same team. We look at women and say stupid shit, not about their actions or what they stand for, but about what they’re wearing or the style of their hair. I’ve seen columns about how Hillary Clinton made a brilliant speech, and all the stupid writer could talk about was how fucking dowdy she looks. Have we actually made so little progress? Have we let the patriarchy infect us so much that we rip each other apart for them?

We’ve bought into it, women. We bought into it. Feminism has failed and we did it to ourselves.  We allowed the men to set the rules for the game and we did nothing to change it. We have decided that in order to be considered equal, we have to be just like the system we fought against. We dress like them, we act like them, and we put up with the crap because we want to be equal. We can’t be equal until we grow penises, and I really don’t want to go that far into the enemy’s camp. Do you?

I am a Heathen. I am proud to be a Heathen woman. I have been told, by idiots, that Heathenism is for men, because the Vikings were Manly Men who went about killing people and stealing things. Okay, I’ll give them that. Some Norse men did go a’Viking, they did kill and steal. They fought battles and did heroic things. The Sagas are full of stories like that. It was their job.

What the Sagas don’t tell you is about the women weaving the cloth so the men didn’t freeze those massive balls off. They don’t tell you about the women healing the men that stupidly didn’t get out of the way of arrows and the pointy ends of swords. They don’t tell you about women working their butts off to store food for the winter, so when those manly men came home from the wars, they didn’t die of starvation. They don’t tell you about women giving birth and caring for the next generation or of burying loved ones.

All of those things were done by women. It’s time to reclaim our heritage, ladies. It’s time to stop being silent and letting the men have all the credit. Sure, they did great things, and built monuments. They didn’t do it alone; they just did the heavy lifting. Without women, they wouldn’t have had the time. They would have been busy trying to feed and clothe themselves.

It’s time to reclaim our religion and our magic. They aren’t going to just give it back to us. They’re going to fight us for it, if for no other reason than they are Manly Men, and that’s just what they do.

Women are not helpless creatures, unable to take care of themselves, any more than men are. We can be judged, not by our looks, but our accomplishments. We have a lot to be proud of. Women’s work helped build the world.

I am a member of a religious organization that claims to be Feminine Positive. I think that’s bullshit. They aren’t Feminine Negative, but they are in no way Feminine Positive. The best, I suppose, that I can hope for is Feminine Neutral, but that’s really not enough, is it? It isn’t for me, at least.

This weekend, I was talking to another member of the organization, one higher up on the food chain than I. I mentioned to him that, among the subgroups offered, there wasn’t one to study the Feminine Mysteries. Two things happened then. One is that another member said that one wasn’t needed, and the person I was talking to said that there wasn’t one for Men’s Mysteries either.

I’m not even going to address the first comment, mostly because the string of profanity that would exit my mouth would likely get me kicked off the internet. There aren’t enough profane words in my vocabulary to answer that properly. As to the second, I managed to bite my tongue and hold in the screaming fit that would have followed. What would I have said, if I had given voice to my feelings? Mostly that the whole God’s Damned religion was about Men’s Mysteries, and if they weren’t so fucking, up to their eyeballs in patriarchal bullshit, they’d see that.

All religion is based on the Male model of Divinity and worship. Even Z Budapest and her Dianic Witchcraft Tradition is based on simply doing to men what they have always done to women. That’s not fair and it’s not healthy. Though I see the reasoning behind it, and I sympathize with the women who feel it’s necessary, I don’t agree. It doesn’t fit my needs.

I’ll try to explain, if I can. There is a persistent sociological myth that says that, if you’re going to be Feminine Positive that you are, in essence Male Negative. That isn’t true, and it’s setting up a power struggle that really doesn’t need to exist. It is, actually, counterproductive. It’s not us against them. Us against them is, however, the way the male mind works. It’s always related to the struggle, who’s going to be on top, who’s going to run things? Who, in short, is going to make the decisions about what is important.

That’s not the way that women’s minds work. Studies have shown that women work by consensus.  We take in all opinions and arrive at decisions together. Men choose a leader, give opinions, and one man makes the decision. The way religion is set up is done in that way. It’s a purely masculine way of working.

Add to that, the fact that all of the study programs are based on how men learn. They focus on what men think is important. It breaks it down into smaller pieces, and when you’re done, you put the puzzle together and see the larger picture. Women learn and solve problems best when the big picture is fully seen, and the pieces are learned about with that larger picture in mind.

Why is this important? Recent studies have shown that in mixed gender groups, women speak less than men. Men talk over women; men feel comfortable interrupting, and discounting women’s opinions in decision making. For women to be included in the religious life, we must be able to do so fully, taking our own strengths into the room with us. It’s wrong to expect women to live a life that’s rigged in favor of men.

The organization I belong to is one of the better ones. They try to be inclusive of all, and dismissive of none. My GLBT brothers and sisters are welcomed fully into the life of the church. All of this is good, and far better than many religious organizations manages. While they treat women as important as society treats women, they fail to realize that in society as a whole, women are not treated as important. They don’t try to lift women up; they don’t make it easier for women to lift themselves up. If we, as women, want to lift ourselves up, we have to do it using the skills and talents that aren’t native to us. Women have bought into this. We have learned that to be thought of as the equals of men, we have to become as men are. We have participated in our own diminishing.

It’s clear that the world is out of balance. We, as Pagans bemoan this unbalance, yet we unknowingly continue the system that threw the world out of balance.  We continue to order our religion in a way that is fundamentally out of balance, and the majority refuses to see that we continue to maintain the imbalance through ignorance. I will fight to help others to see that we are doing this to ourselves. 

When thinking of prayer, most of us think of the traditional images of someone down on their knees in supplication. Is that, however, the only way to pray. Does God, or the Gods, really want us as supplicants, or do they want us as partners in creating and maintaining our lives? Are we really at the mercy of the Gods, or do we put ourselves in that position? Is praying for the Divine to intervene really the most effective way, or would it not be better to pray for the Divine’s assistance in our own work to change our lives in a better way?

This is something that, quite honestly, I’ve been trying to figure out. I personally believe in doing what I can for myself, and asking for help in my own work, but I see so many people out there that think the other way. I get frustrated by those that think of the Divine as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. They think that the Divine is going to shower them with all the good things they want, if they are only good enough. When something goes right, the Gods get all the credit, but failure goes to them alone.

Why is that? What’s the purpose of dismissing your own efforts? How does that honor the Divine that creates and sustains you?

When I speak of passion, I’m not talking about sex. Sex is one way of finding passion, and the Gods are honored when we love, passionately, those we choose as partners in life. Physical passion is, however, a very limited thing. When I speak of passion, I’m talking about all of those things in life that make us happy, all of those things that excite us when we do them. From art to cooking to study, when undertaken with the right mindset, all of these things are a form of prayer.

In the Charge of the Goddess, written by Doreen Valiente, we find these words: For behold: all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.

When I first read this, I was struck by the awesomeness of them. This meant, for me, that all things I do, if I do them for pleasure or with love, are rituals. They’re acts of passion, given to those I care about, and the Gods, and are forms of worship. This makes me, not some supplicant, begging a boon from a being far greater than I, but a co-creator in my own world, my own destiny.

Talk about power to change my own life! This is the magic of living. To know that you aren’t just a chess piece being moved around a board, but a free being, able to decide for yourself the correct course.

Your life isn’t an exercise in waiting; it’s an exercise in doing. If all you’re going to do is hang around, waiting for the Divine to give something to you, you might as well just stop trying. It’s not going to happen. The Divine isn’t going to just give you anything that you don’t value enough to work for or put effort into.

Get off your asses. Live, laugh, love, and do those things in a way that shows not only passion, but trust. If you’re going to say that you trust the Divine, then why aren’t you acting like it?? Why aren’t you acting with passion and doing what you love, trusting that you can create, with the Divine, the things that you want??

Why are you so lazy about your faith?? 

It’s been a while since I posted here. Mostly, I’ve been working with fiber and trying to stay out of trouble. The first one is, by the way, far easier than the second one.

I’ve recently connected with some people that share a lot of interests of mine, and I’ve been plotting trouble for a while. I have 5 or 6 projects going at the same time. The loom has cloth on it that needs finishing, the knitting needles have half a shawl. My hoop has a beautiful bit of cross stitch on it, wanting to be worked on, and a doily that I’m crocheting wants attention. I also have wine that needs to be turned and four animal whores that want to be loved. We’re not even going to talk about the carpet needing vacuumed because, let’s face it. The dogs will walk across it or I’ll start to spin and it’ll just need to be vacuumed again. It’s not even worth bothering with at this point.

So, with all that going on, who has time to write? Well, I do, actually, I’d just rather be working with fiber, so I stick my middle finger up at the computer and reach for a needle. Life is too short, right? I’ll try to be better, I promise. (Remember, I did say try, not actually succeed. And don’t go quoting Yoda at me. I’ll flip you off as well.)

It seems, though, as if I’m spread a bit thin these days. I keep telling myself that never again will I start more than one project. It’s a lie. I know it is when I say it. It’s in my nature, and the nature of women to create, so I bite off more than I can chew. Deal with it.

So, how many of you are like me? How many are trying to do too many damn things at once, and wonder why nothing seems to get finished? Don’t worry about it too much. It’ll all get done eventually. I’m not scattered, I just have varied interests.

I was going to start knitting, but the cat is lying on my shawl. The dog is lying on the book with my cross stitch pattern. The other cat has confiscated the chair that my spinning wheel is in front of, and the  fat beagle has parked herself on my crocheting. That’s why I have so many things going at once. It’s not my fault. The animals make me do it.

So, that settles it. It’s off to the loom….. 

I have a news flash. Viking women took care of themselves.

I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. When the men went a’Viking, raiding or trading, other peoples and tribes were doing it, too. When others attacked, who do you think defended the villages and farms?

Women and slaves did.

There is a persistent myth about “Shield Maidens” in Norse culture. While I have no doubt that there were a minority of women that raided like the men, Shield Maiden was actually a term used to describe the Valkyries. They would gather the spirits of the Noble Dead from the battlefields and take them to Folkvangr (Freya’s hall) or Valhalla.

Women did fight though, and fight for their lives. When the raiders came, they used any think that could be used as a weapon to defend their homes, children and dependents. They didn’t just lie down and let themselves be taken.

I find it interesting, then, that so many women are afraid of fighting back. It’s not just a physical fighting back, either. We seem to be more afraid of someone calling us Bitches than we are of anything else.

If “Bitch” means that I won’t let someone take away what’s mine, including my dignity and choice, then bitch I am. If bitch means speaking out the truth of my life, then I own the title willingly.

I’m not against applying a knee to the nuts of any man who tries to screw with me these days, either. At the age of 49, I found my fierce. Life is better now.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. So if you feel as if others are better than you, you need to stop. You aren’t. 

There is this meme, this common belief among the population at large, that in cultures like the Norse and Celts, women were of the “Sit down and shut up” variety. Folks look at mythology like the Indo European ones, and somehow think that women were considered less important than men. I will not speak to the Greek and Roman ones, those are not my area of expertise, I will say that, especially in Norse Mythology and culture, that is simply not the case.

I know that some sources suggest that it was. There is very little, if any, written documentation of Norse culture before the Christian Era. Most of what we have was written in the late Viking period, and either written and transcribed by priests. While most may have been well meaning, we cannot say that those priests did not have a political or religious agenda, and we don’t know how they changed the original texts to suit their agenda. The best known texts we do have are the Poetic and the Prose Eddas. These were written by a Christian man, not so much to preserve the mythology, but to demonstrate to poets the proper ways of writing Norse style poetry and prose. That has to be taken into consideration when reading or digesting the information it contains.

On a superficial level, what do the Eddas and other myths contain? They contain stories of Goddesses that seemed somewhat weak, that were concerned with hearth, home and sparklies. One of the best known stories of a powerful goddess is that of Freya and how she acquired Brisigamen, her necklace of power. She is seen as somewhat of a tramp, because she lay with the dwarves as the price of the necklace. This is a false reading of the myth. Brisigamen is a necklace of power. What she did was give power, in the form of her body, for power, in the form of the necklace. It was an exchange of equal power, not some woman sleeping with the dwarves for a pretty. Freya was a Goddess of extraordinary power. Half of the valiant dead that fell in battle were hers to command, the other half went to Odin. Interestingly enough, the lore is very clear on the fact that Freya chose hers before Odin, and Odin took the rest. That honor is not given to Xena Warrior Prostitute, it is given to one of immense power and influence.

Frigga is considered by some to be simply a home keeping woman. She concerns herself with her husband and her children, rarely seen except to try and save her son Balder from death and Hel’s realm. What isn’t so frequently talked about is that, just as Odin is the All-Father, she is the All-Mother. She has the gift of being all knowing and she neither tells what she sees, nor tries to stop events from unfolding as they should  (with, of course, the exception of Balder.)

Those are stories, what do we know of the actual lives of women?? Not much, I’m afraid. We can, however, extrapolate from recent archeological finds and the mythology, quite a bit. We have found women who have been buried with rich grave goods including swords. Swords are not buried with just anyone, and not often with women. If, as some say, women were just home keeping who did nothing besides keep house and cater to men, it would never have happened.  The women that the swords were buried with were powerful and important, not just in their homes, but in society at large.

We can also tell by laws that we knew existed that women were important, listened to and carried great sway in society. Women were able to obtain divorces, and when divorced, lost nothing. They kept, after the dissolution of the marriage, all property they came into it with, and equal access and say in the lives of their children. Compare that to other cultures that, if a woman was divorced, lost those things and led lives of poverty and exclusion from society. Women could hold property and inherit, often in equal shares with their brothers. Upon marriage, a woman received, as part of the ceremony, the keys to the home. This not only acknowledged the fact that she was now the manager of the property, she was often considered the owner, as her husband likely spent much time away.

Terrific, you say. What the Hel does that have to do with anything anymore?

In these times where, in many parts of the world, women are marginalized to the point where they have no right to speak, it’s necessary to note that it wasn’t always this way. In the US, where one political party is seeking to do away with a woman’s right to choose just about everything, we have to remember that our ancestors did things differently.

On a personal level, this means that I don’t have to put up with this shit any longer. It means that the strength of my Mothers runs in my veins and that I need not fear speaking out. It means that I have a voice and that if I do not speak out loud enough to be heard, I can shout and scream until I am.

All women have the voice. Society as a whole has marginalized women long enough, using tradition and faulty scriptures and lore as an excuse. Recent events have made me take stock of some of beliefs, and have forced me to examine my life in a different way. I have been told to sit down and shut up in ways both blatant and overt. Recently, while posting on a social networking site, I was told, on my own page, that I was on the “Gynocentric Bullshit Train.” He said, flat out, that women ARE equal by law, and that efforts to abolish abortions and curtail women’s rights were just trying to make the playing field with men more even, since when it comes to reproduction, men have little say.

Well if fighting for my rights to determine what’s best for me and my body is driving the Gynocentric Bullshit train, then that’s what I’m doing. I’m not going to stay on the tracks either. I’m gonna run right over anyone stupid enough to wander on the tracks, and I’m going to keep on driving.

My mothers, my sisters, and my daughters deserve no less. I will pick up the sword and carry on. It’s the traditional thing to do….

I’m sitting here with a home brew, (wheat/pear for those who are interested) and thinking about all the things people say when they taste my beer, wine or mead. The most common of those is, “I don’t know what I expected, but this is really good!”

Let’s be honest here, you thought about the phrase ‘homemade,’ and your mind automatically when to jet engine fuel. We all know you did, just admit it. I’m okay with that, why shouldn’t you be? After all, I exceeded your expectations, it’s all good.

That’s one reason I prefer the term, “home brew,” instead of homemade. Most brewers do. We all have memories of something craptastic that someone was so proud of being homemade, and think of that, instead of the wonderful creations of others that were truly master craftpeople.

I do hear that with a lot of the crafting I do. It’s not just with the brewing, people have seen my weaving or stitch work and marvel at how good it is. I guess that many of us don’t think of our friends and family as being as talented as they are. It’s a shame that we don’t think more of each other.

Still, I don’t think of myself as a home brewer, so much as a craft beer and wine maker with serious mad scientist tendencies. Instead of a laboratory with test tubes and dangerous viruses, I work in my kitchen, and the danger is in exactly what kind of alcohol yield I can get without distilling.

For those who are interested, my personal best is a 26% (or 52 proof) wine with the innocuous name of Hippie Chick. Go figure.

This weekend, I’m going to grab the husband, go into the kitchen, and work with some wine. It’s messy, tiring work, and lifting those 5 gallon buckets is hard work, but it’s just about the most fun I can think about having.*

*except for stitching, spinning, weaving, drawing, knitting, crocheting,  etc…. My life is filled with awesome. What can I say???  

We now have what we need to brew, the equipment at least. The next question is, “What kind of wine, mead or beer do I want to make?”

I can say that I have never harmed a grape in my wine making. I don’t use grapes at all. I make a variety of wine that, in colloquial terms, is described as “Country Wines.” That’s just the snooty way of saying that I don’t use grapes. Somehow, and for some reason that I can’t fathom, wine made from things other than grapes is looked down on by the Hoity Toity. Their loss, I’m sure.

What are my choices, you may ask. The sky is, almost, literally the limit. If it’s made of plant matter, and it’s non-toxic, you can make a wine from it. Add sugar and yeast, let it sit for a while, and you have wine. The drinkability is another issue. There are some things that I’m convinced won’t taste good, but that’s more a personal taste issue.

I’ve made wine from Rose hips and Hibiscus. I’ve made wine from Sweet Tea. I keep trying to ferment cacao nibs into a chocolate wine, but I keep running into an oil problem.

So, a few guidelines are in order. The first is that if it’s leaves, and with a few notable exceptions, you’re probably better off going with dried leaves and herbs than you are with fresh ones. Herbs and leaves in the fresh state, have natural oils, some more than others. Oils inhibit yeast from doing the happy dance that causes fermentation, and you don’t want an oily wine. I’ve been told that, if you allow it to age long enough, the oils will be eaten by the alcohol, but I’ve never seen it happen. I’m not doubting, I’ve just never had the patience to wait that long. I use dried, because I get better results. The one glaring exception to this rule is Dandelion wine. I have no idea as to the scientific reasons, but you want fresh Dandelions for that.

Fruit always makes a good wine, the juicer the fruit, the better off you’ll be. If you’re using a fruit with a large pit, like a mango or a peach, it sometimes works better to pulverize it first, the put it in a mesh bag. With berries that have small seeds, you can still do that, but sometimes breaking the seeds can cause bitterness to the wine that’s hard to get out. Your best bet there is to macerate the berries in some sugar first, to break them down, the crush them, and put them in a mesh hopping bag. (or you can spoon them into the bad and crush them at the bottom of the fermenter. Either way works.)

When using fresh fruit, always, and I do mean ALWAYS, consider pectin enzymes your best friend ever. Seriously, if you want your wine to clear in any sort of reasonable time frame, pectin enzyme is a must. It’s inexpensive to buy, and there is no reason why you shouldn’t use it.

Some flavorings are easier and more predictable if you use a method other than adding the ingredients. Vanilla overtones can be added using different yeasts or oak chips, and you don’t get the oils and overpowering flavor with those that real vanilla beans can give.

I’m a mad scientist when it comes to making wine. I’ll try anything at least once. Dan, my pusher… er the man that runs the local brewing store, loves to see me come in. First, I’m a really good customer, second, I usually come bearing a bottle of whatever I just bottled, and third, he likes to hear about what new concoctions I have going.

When brewing, have fun. That’s why you got started. Don’t be bound by rules, those are boring, and you never know what you’ll get if you break them. Think outside the box. Go the scenic route. Take a few chances.  The worst that will happen is that what you make will taste terrible. Learn the lesson and try again. I’ve been trying to make a pure chocolate wine for two years.

Babe Ruth’s lifetime batting average was .342. That means that he didn’t get a hit twice as often as he hit. Think about that for a few. When it comes to wine, I’m doing better than Babe Ruth!! I may have to open a bottle to celebrate!!!

When it comes to the fermentation of alcohol, I’m a mad scientist. I don’t follow any but the most basic rules. The rest, I toss into the trash bin, where they should have been for the last thousand years. I mean, the women who have brewed in the past didn’t follow any of the lousy rules, why should I??

If you buy a book on brewing, or you go to your local supply shop, they’re going to try to sell you a kit, or give you a list of things that they promise you’ll need. Some of it’s great to have, and some of it is just a waste of money. There are a lot of things I got that I either can’t figure out how the hell to use, or just never used in the first place. There are other things that would have made things easier, that I didn’t get at first.

What does the first time brewer absolutely HAVE to have?

2 food grade plastic buckets; A siphon hose of some sort; Ingredients; Yeast; Camden tablets or potassium or sodium metabisulfite; Sterilizing solution of some sort; Air lock or fermentation lock.

That’s pretty much all you HAVE to have. Other things, pectin enzymes and testing kits are good to have, but not necessary.

There are a few things I’d like to say about the equipment. There are some out there that will tell you that you have to use glass. It’s garbage, don’t listen to them. They’ll say that plastic will retain the flavors of your last batch, and that it will spoil your most recent one. I’ve had a couple of buckets for over two years, almost in constant use with one wine, beer or mead or another. I’ve never had that problem. Wash them immediately after you empty them, don’t use any abrasive cleaners, and sterilize properly, and it’s just simply not an issue. Mostly, people that tell you that just want to sell you the more expensive glass containers. Glass is heavier, harder to work with, and if it breaks, you have a massive fucking mess. I wouldn’t bother with it. If you think you want glass, and have the money to pay for it, then do so. Otherwise, don’t bother. You need a bucket with a hole in the lid for the fermentation lock. They come in many different sizes and styles. The type you use is a matter of personal taste.

The siphoning hose isn’t an absolute necessity, per se. I made several batches of mead without one. I will say that life is a whole lot easier with one. They aren’t that expensive, and worth the money, if only for the fact that there is less hassle and the possibility of spilling your precious brew with one. I have one that has a pump attached. A couple of pumps, and the wine flows effortlessly from one bucket to the other. It’s definitely worth the $10 buck or so you pay for it.

You need to decide what you want it made of, and then you choose the yeast. There are a lot of different kinds, and what you want your finished product to be will pretty much determine the yeast you use. You will need the Camden Tablets, they kill off the wild yeasts before you add the brewer’s yeast. That keeps nasty flavors and aromas from contaminating things.

Sterilizing solution is the last thing. This is a must have. When you brew, your equipment need to be sterile. You don’t want bacteria in your buckets or on your equipment. I can’t stress this enough. Sterilization solution is your friend. You can use bleach and water, but I don’t recommend it. It does the job, and does it well, but it’s fuck all to get rinsed out, and it does have to be totally rinsed out. Save yourself some grief and buy the no rinse kind.

Next time, on Mad Scientist Theater, I’m going to tell you how I pick ingredients… Bwahahahahahaha