I was asked recently if I had any advice for someone about to be married. I gave the advice I wished someone had given me the first time around. In the couple of days since, I’ve had a few conversations about relationship advice they wished they had been given, and the following is, in no particular order, my list of the best advice for a happy relationship. Enjoy, learn what you can, take what you need and be happy.

The most common advice given to young couples is “Never go to bed angry.” In my mind, though this sounds like good advice, it’s kind of unrealistic. (Unless you’re planning on spending nights on the couch, everyone is going to go to bed angry at some time or another.) Instead, I’d say, never go to bed without saying “I love you.” You may not like them, but you love them and those are words that need to be said when you’re angry.  Not only does your husband, wife or S.O. need to hear it, you need to say it to remind yourself.

Learn to apologize and sound like you mean it, even if you don't. Ask yourself, what's more important, being right or peace and love. If it's being right, then by all means never apologize, but sometimes, peace and love means saying I'm sorry even if you're not 

Learn to forgive, not for them, but for you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Being unable to forgive causes wounds to fester, keeps you angry and makes love impossible. Don't carry a grudge and get the chip off of your shoulder. You're in this together, fucking act like it.

In an argument, when you’re the angriest, think of one reason that you’re with them in the first place. It won’t solve the issue at hand, but it will soften you a little. Sometimes that little is the difference between a disagreement and a fight.

Always buy two tubes of toothpaste. For some reason known only to the Gods, one of the laws of the universe states that middle squeezers always marry folders. It’s not worth the fight, and life is easier if you’re not driving each other crazy that way. Along the same vein, the world will not stop spinning if your spouse loads the toilet paper the “wrong way” on the roller. If it bothers you that much, take the 30 seconds to change it yourself. It’s not worth the fight, it never is. Bitching about it will only fester discontent, and every argument you will ever have will include this.

There are six words that must enter your vocabulary. “I was wrong” and “you were right.” Learn them. Know them. Make them part of your everyday world. There is no weakness in admitting that you were wrong and your spouse was right. Knowing those six words will heal wounds, mend hearts, and frequently get you laid.

Another part of your permanent vocabulary should be, “Okay. Yes, Dear.” It doesn’t matter your gender. Sometimes, even if you don’t like it, your spouse’s happiness needs to come first. Sometimes, even if you’re wrong, you need to give in. Unless you want your home to become a battlefield, these three little words are important. If you can’t say them, don’t say “I do.”

Your spouse’s happiness isn’t your responsibility. It’s understandable that you want him or her to be happy, but it’s not your job. You can’t make anyone else happy. You can help them be happy. You can do things with the possibility of making them happy. You can encourage them to do things that will make them happy, but you can’t make them happy. Working to make someone happy only makes everyone irritable.

Talk to them, respect their opinions, don’t interrupt and listen actively. If you’re listening to the first couple of words they say, and then begin formulating your response before their done speaking, you’re going to miss something. It’s going to be important. It could delay resolution and it will piss your spouse off. Communication isn't a contest. It’s not about who wins, it’s about resolving conflict and being close. If you ever, ever lose sight of that, the whole thing is lost.

If you have to choose between a clean house, or time with your spouse, the spouse should always win. Always. There should never be a debate about this. There should be no question about this. Never, ever choose vacuuming or dusting over your spouse. In the sage words of my first mother in law: “There was dirt in this world when I came into it. There will be dirt in this world when I left. If all I do is spend my time moving that dirt from one place to another, I will have wasted my life.”

Stick up for your spouse. Don't throw them under the bus. Praise in public and bitch in private. Don't bad mouth your spouse, they don't deserve it. Love isn't just an emotion, it's an action. Acting loving will go a long way in creating a good relationship. From the other side of the aisle, call your spouse on their shit. Don't do it in public, but don't be afraid to tell them if you think they're wrong. Do it in as loving and non-confrontational way as possible, but do it. 

When you marry somebody, you’re making promises. If you can’t keep the promise, don’t make the promise. If you know, going in, that you can’t promise fidelity, don’t make the promise and be honest about why you can’t promise it. Your spouse deserves the respect of being able to make the decision of whether or not to marry by knowing all the facts in advance. Be honest, don’t lie. Don’t betray the trust you’ve been given. It’s a gift, and if your spouse doesn’t deserve your honesty, then don’t marry them.

Now, here is the advice I actually gave. Half the credit for this goes to my husband Scott. It was with him that I came to this realization. He’s a wise and loving man, and I’m lucky to be married to him.

Always remember and never, ever forget, that you're taking marriage vows, not making a suicide pact. Neither of you have to go down with the sinking ship. This isn't the Thunderdome. You married by choice, and as long as you remember that you're in this by choice, you'll be fine. 

I’m going to tell you some very hard truths about what I see. You probably won’t like it, but if you don’t then just leave this page. Leave it now, because I’m going to bring the hurt.

Men complain all the time about women. It’s so pervasive in popular culture that we could number the jokes and not even have to tell them. We could assign letters to the bitchy comments and no one would know the difference. It has probably never occurred to you that you’re at least half of the problem, but you are. Seriously, there are things you could do to make the situation better, but you’re either too stupid to see the solution or too lazy to actually take action. I’m torn on which it is.

The first and best solution is to fucking LISTEN to women. Listen to, not just the words, but what they’re saying. I know it’s hard. I know that you think that it’s not worth the effort, but it really is. Most men view communication as a competition, whoever makes the other concede the point first, wins. That’s not the way that communication is supposed to work. It’s not about making a point or winning an argument, it’s about exchanging ideas. It’s learning about one another. The largest erogenous zone in the human body is the Brain, guys. You stimulate a woman’s brain, and you get laid more. You listen to what she’s saying and she gives you less shit. If you take women as seriously as you take your guy friends, you’ll have more women than you can imagine. It’s actually a proven fact.

There is a second point I’d like to make. The fact is that there are wonderful women out there that will make you happy. They don’t all look like Victoria’s Secrets underwear models. It’s a fact that you need to understand. Women do not all look the same and their physical appearance shouldn’t keep you from wanting to get to know them. You’ll find that once you get to know them, they become way more attractive. Do you really want women to decide whether they want to get to know you based on how closely you resemble Hugh Jackman? If you don’t, they why the FUCK do you judge women on how closely they resemble Megan Fox before you talk to them? Do you really think you have a chance with Megan Fox anyway? You think women only want you for your money? Try wanting them for more than their tits and see how quickly that changes.

Now ladies, lest you think you’re off the hook, I’m going to tell you something. I hear, all the time, that there aren’t any good men out there. Of course there are. You’re looking in the wrong goddam place for them, and you call them friends. You relegate them to the “friend” pile and never understand that they are everything you’re looking for but you’re too stupid to see it.

You see, a good man isn’t always going to be exciting. My beloved Scott is actually rather boring at times. We don’t live an exciting life, but if you think that “real” or “True Love” is supposed to be excitement all the time, put down that romance novel, turn off that romantic comedy, and bang your head on the table. If you want or have children, you don’t want midnight plane rides to Paris; you want someone who will get up at 1:00 am to take a toddler to the bathroom so you can get some sleep. You don’t want moonlight strolls through London; you want someone who’s willing to wait up until a teenager gets home from a date. Forget breakfast in bed, cleaning up the cat’s hairball first thing in the morning is really more romantic.

All of those things show that they actually care about YOU. There’s nothing wrong with the other stuff, it’s just not what a life together is actually made of. It’s not the big moments that prove the love, it’s the little ones.

Let’s talk about our fixation on “Bad Boys” for a second. I’ve fallen for them, too. You’re not going to change them. You aren’t going to civilize them and they’re not going to suddenly see the light and become reliable. It’s stupid to believe it. Any stories that you see about that happening are Fairy Tales. Married men that have affairs are not going to fall in love with you and become faithful. It never happens that way. If they cheat on their wives with you, they’re going to cheat on you with someone else. You taught them that it’s okay. It’s a fact. Deal with it.

In short, boys and girls, we all believe lies and fairy tales about each other. We all screw this up and we all need to change the way we look at each other. Men need to stop talking at women and start talking to them. Women need to stop trying to change men into what we think they need to be and start accepting them for who they actually are. We need to stop judging the opposite sex based on jokes, stories or preconceived notions. We’ll never be happy until we do.

I have, in my almost 50 years on this earth, had three long term relationships. The first was with an abusive, cheating drunk, and the second was with and abusive, cheating bad boy. I have been married to the man of my dreams for three years. He didn’t come in the package I always dreamed of, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is the man of my dreams.

Scott isn’t perfect. He’s a geek that talks about computers and physics until my eyes glaze over and make me wish for death. He does rather revolting things to his Ramen noodles and currently has an obsession with anime that I find baffling. He’s not tall, dark and handsome. I love him dearly.

I’m not perfect either. The kitchen always looks like a battlefield after I cook, and he bravely cleans it. He rarely complains about it, but I know that he’d rather I did a better job at cleaning up after myself. I’m not the exotic type of beauty that he likes looking at, but it doesn’t matter, and my obsession with all things fiber bores him to tears, but he bravely fights the urge to fall asleep when I wax poetic about the virtues of wool.

Our life isn’t exciting, but both of us understand that it doesn’t have to be in order for us to be happy. I see so many people out there looking for love, and not understanding that it’s right there, under their noses. They’re either too blind or too busy discounting people to see it. 

I have been accused, very recently in fact, of saying and doing things for no other purpose than pissing people off. This is a vicious lie. For someone to think that my sole reason for doing anything is to upset someone else is to say that my life is so empty, that I am so devoid of feeling, that I get joy from the upset of others. Thank you so much for the insult. Now, get the fuck out of my life. I have better things to do than to deal with you.

I will confess that I do say things that upset people. I have been known to say or do things that have the potential of pissing people off. I do so knowing that it will piss people off and I do it anyway. I don’t tip toe my way through the thickets of everyone else’s emotions. I don’t avoid topics because others might get mad at me, and I certainly don’t hold my tongue because others are too fucking easy to insult. Life is too goddam short for that shit. If people are going to be angry or feel insulted when I say something, then it’s really their problem. I don’t stand at the ready with a fire extinguisher, ready to put out the fire of your butt hurt.

In short, if your panties get in a wad because of something I say or do, don’t expect me to pick them out of your ass crack for you. It’s not going to happen. I have more important things in my life, like picking lint out of my belly button.

Let me make it clear, I’m not unsympathetic to your pain. I know what it’s like to be hurt by the words of others. That shit about words never hurting is wrong. I’m just not afraid of speaking my opinions or living my life because you, or anyone, will disapprove of me. That kind of fear is pervasive and paralyzing. That kind of fear makes it impossible to live and authentic life. I can’t be me under those constraints, and it’s unfair of you to expect it of me.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. I won’t, however, shut up because you find my opinions uncomfortable. I won’t stop being me because you think I’m weird or stupid or offensive. I spent too many years being silent to stop now that I’ve found my voice.

Get over yourself, and if you can’t, get off my Facebook page, stay away from my blog, don’t ask my opinion, and for FUCK’S SAKE, don’t come whining to me when shit goes sideways. That’s just asking for it, and you have no right to complain if you know it’s coming.

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Well, it’s time for the annual rite of insanity known as the Holidays. Let me say, for the record, that I am well provisioned in my bunker, waiting out the crazies. I sit, sure in the knowledge that, like a kidney stone, this too shall pass. I can wait them out.

I don’t want to talk about the looniness going on at shopping malls all over the world. I can’t stop that, and I really don’t want to. If people want to go to Toys R Us and fight to the death over a video game, who am I to try to stop them. It’s their lives and if they want to shed blood over a video game or other crap they don’t need, good on them. When the holidays are over and the bodies are cleared from the field of battle, I can walk in, get what I want, and walk out without injury.

No, what I really want to address is the “War on Christmas.” That’s the idiocy I’m referring to. It’s here… again… like a Civil War reenactment every year. People don’t want to let the war end.

I used to think it was only crazy Christian fundies and Fox Nooze that perpetuate this, but now I’m not so sure. After watching my Facebook feed for the past couple of days, I’m convinced that Pagans, too, want to wage the “War on Yule,” or some other bullshit. (To my family and friends, don’t worry. I put on flame retardant panties this morning. I’m going to be fine.)

You see, here’s what I see happening. The opening shots usually come from the Fundies (or Fox Nooze.) Then Pagans, who have been studying all year for this, start firing away about how Christmas Trees are really Yule Trees, and Christians stole them from us. We go on and on about this or that Holy Day that was celebrated at this time of year, and how the Church co-opted those days to win converts. This year, I’ve noticed a new bit of ammunition about how there are verses in the Bible on how Christmas trees are forbidden.

I won’t dispute the veracity of any of these things. They are, for the record, quite true. They are all, however, academic and make no fucking difference whatsoever. It’s meaningless. We can babble on and on about Saturnalia, and how Santa Claus is really Odin, or whatever theory is in vogue, but it’s useless and just perpetuates the idea that we are stealing Christmas. It’s worse when, since we know we’re right, we get like a cat playing with a lizard, and won’t let up until the damn thing is dead.

It’s hurting our cause and convincing said Crazy Fundies that they’re right. We’re trying to take away Christmas. In other, plainer words, we’re doing to them exactly what they do to us.

It’s unbecoming. It’s stupid. More importantly, it’s hurting us. It’s making us look like a bunch of petulant children fighting over a toy. It’s time to give it up.

We all want people that profess a faith to live by the tenets of that faith. If people claim that a book is literally true, then that entire book is literally true. Yes, I know all of that. It’s just that they stole this stuff a very long time ago. The statute of limitations ran out a couple of centuries ago. Let it go.

You can make your point, of course. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. After you make your point, let it go. Leave it alone. Walk away. Act like the grown up in the situation and let them have the fucking Christmas tree, or whatever. You can go home, sit in front of your Yule tree and have an egg nog in peace. There is nothing to be gained from continuing to fight. If we do this, and they continue to scream, (and they will,) we win because they look like idiots fighting with no one.

And also, I get some peace and don’t have to listen to the bullshit anymore.